How to Love Your Depressed Lover

Brace yourselves for a serious post guys!
 
About a week ago I was in a pretty rubbish mood. I don't get like this very often anymore and I don't know what triggered it this time, but I ended up retreating into myself. I can't really describe the mood... there's a sadness there and you feel like you could cry at the drop of a hat but then it's also like having an absence of feeling completely. You just feel empty inside and want to curl into a ball in your bed and stay there forever. Anyway, I got into this mood when I was with Jordan and I knew that he could tell something was wrong. The thing is, when I'm in this mood I completely go into myself and I go silent. I barely react to anything or say anything and I know thats really annoying for anyone who's around me, but I can't help it. Anyway, after he went home we were messaging and he said he hates it when I'm like that because he doesn't know what to do or what I'm feeling. Like he said, "you weren't acting angry or upset but I could feel it".

The point of this post is to sort of say how I would prefer people to react/think when I'm in one of my moods, which maybe will help other people who know someone who goes through this as well.

1) Don't take it personally. 
I know when I'm being all silent and reclusive, it seems like I'm mad at everyone and I don't want them to be there but thats not it at all. Its just how I automatically react, so don't take it personally. Also, a lot of people may end up feeling guilty/bad because they think its their fault. Like, 'she's depressed when she's around me so obviously I'm not making her happy, or I'm causing it''. Not true! Sometimes it just comes on randomly and its no one's fault. Actually, if someone is acting depressed around you it probably means that they feel comfortable around you and that they trust you, otherwise they'd be trying to cover it up, which is exhausting.

2) There isn't anything you can do to 'fix it'.
There are no magic words or actions that you can do or say to bring someone out of their depression. And it doesn't mean that you're bad at handling the situation, its just that its not as easy as that. You need to wait for the persons emotions to sort themselves out by themselves, so just be patient.

3) Ask what they need.
Sometimes I want to be left alone and sometimes I want to just sit in silence and cuddle or sit in silence whilst someone talks at me. Its not fair on anyone to be expected to automatically know what the other person needs, so just ask them what you can do to help. And don't be offended if they just want to be left alone. It doesn't mean they don't love you or they don't appreciate you trying to help, its just that sometimes being around other people is too exhausting. 

4) Don't pressure them.
Don't try and pressure them to get up and go do something because you think it will make them feel better. It'll probably just result in them shrinking into themselves even more. Just be prepared to stay in bed with them and do nothing, because doing anything else will probably be too exhausting.


I'm finishing off this post with this poem which inspired me to write all this (along with my experience with Jordan).


How to love your depressed lover.

Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo. I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now. I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again."

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